Just Another Letter

There will always be many perspectives to see everything, they said.
And this one thing was us. I want you seeing mine's perspective about us, after all these moments we ever had, including the moment when we decided to stop to see each other again.
Tho you might never read this one, at least, I'm trying to write down my feelings again.

I used to hear your annoying voice yet made me happy,
used to laugh at all your jokes when it wasn't really funny,
used to like your smell tho I didn't really wanna know what was your perfume (I just liked it),
used to listen any songs you recommended to me,
used to find more things about you, think about how our life would be, and mostly I used to regret why I liked you.

Prolly, I could see no differences between "liking" you or "loving" you, but you know I had this feeling that tickled my stomach when we had our moments together.
I used to have that feel, man.
Some of my friends told me that my feeling might be only a temporary interest that would lead us to any temporary relationships.

But if it was only a temporary interest, why would it give me such a great pain?
The only potential reason might be because I was trying to hide this feeling so hard whilst the truth was I never really had the courage to speak it out to you.

Why is it hard for me to being honest about my feelings to you since the beginning? Then, I keep asking why this society has to be cruel to define many things, including about men who start first because women have this thing called dignity. The thing I almost didn't realize that my DIGNITY whose ruined everything that we just had build turned into vanity. Now I know whose gonna take my blame when you left me, well, of course it was my dignity. You might left me because my dignity could really annoy you so muuuuch, but hey, at least, you knew there was someone who had that feeling for you and it was me. Tho, I didn't know if that feeling was a real love or not, but I cared you so much. Honestly, I still care for you until today.

But then, I kept regretting myself and my dignity. I kept denial that I was the one who failed to build our relationship when you had tried alone. If only I had known losing you was the payment, I would never let society defined me this much so I didn't have to be that annoying person to you. Even saying sorry too many times won't give me a second chance to change my mistakes.

Lastly, I just need you to know that you do mean a lot to me, to us, to every moments we had. And I really thank you for giving me so many lessons after all these damn pain I had felt. I learnt that we just had bad days, not a bad life. After all those broken-hearted nights, I wiped my tears and decided to become myself whom better than I was before. I guess that's all you need to know. Have a good life, mate.

Lots of love,


Eugenia

ps: I wrote this letter while listening The Beatles' Hey Jude, one of your favorites, man.