Aku mengaduk kopiku yang sudah lagi tak hangat. Duduk di pojok ruangan kafe samping jendela, menatap matahari terbenam sembari menenggelamkan kepalaku sejenak. Aku berpikir keras bagaimana ia sesaat membuatku bahagia, namun esoknya ia berubah.
Aku ralat.
Ia tidak pernah berubah. Ia tetap dirinya. Aku yang berubah.
Dulu ia membuatku bahagia karena tak pernah terbesit di otakku bahwa kelak aku mencintainya. Dulu segalanya membahagiakan ketika perasaan ini belumlah tumbuh. Dulu tidak ada rasa pahit dan menyedihkan karena justru ia penghibur hati di kala merana.
Aku berubah.
Rasa-rasa yang tetiba muncul, berharap lebih kepadanya, menggantungkan beribu perasaanku berbalas dari seorang pria sepertinya? Hah, ia tak akan pernah memandangku. Matanya jauh menatap masa depan dan aku hanyalah seseorang dibalik bayangnya. Ia mempunyai jiwa petualang, terbang bebas bersama cita dan angan, bukan cinta yang aku damba-dambakan.
Aku terpaku pada buku yang seharusnya kupelajari. Menatap sederet angka dan kalimat yang harus kukerjakan, meneliti setiap pilihannya, dan mencoreng salah satu pilihanku. Aku sedang tidak ingin berargumentasi dengan perasaanku yang tak pasti. Lebih baik aku belajar demi masa depanku, tetapi ia seolah memberiku harapan akan hari yang lebih baik. Aku menatapnya dari balik layar, ia tidak bersua dan tidaklah terlihat. Aku tak tahu bagaimana suaranya memanggilku, berapa tinggi dan berat badannya, berapa ukuran sepatunya, atau apa pewangi pakaian yang ia kenakan di bajunya. Tidak terbesit di otakku bahwa selama ini aku telah mengenalnya sejak lama, ia hanya sejauh pandanganku. Dan ketika ia memang benar-benar jauh dariku, aku mencarinya. Berharap ia memberikanku sepucuk harapan, namun yang ia rasakan bahwa itu sudah menjadi tugasnya agar aku merasa bahagia, tanpa tahu bahwa dia adalah kebahagiaanku, termasuk cita dan angannya yang selama ini ia seru-serukan kepadaku.
Ia pernah berharap agar ada wanita yang berdiri di belakangnya dan mendukung segala cita dan angannya. Jikalau ia masih berkenan, aku tak keberatan.
Lalu, hiruk-pikuk kota ini membuyarkan segala pikiranku. Lampu merah dan kemacetan lalu lintas menghapus segala imajinasiku. Aku masih menatap balik layar itu dan berharap ia benar-benar menggubrisnya. Aku menyeruput kopiku terus-menerus. Dan ketika kopiku sudah habis, aku tahu ia adalah fana, walau waktu memanglah abadi.
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Beauty and The Beast
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast
Tell me how not to love this movie, because this movie is really driving me crazy. I'm in love with Prince Adam, he was the Beast but after the kissing scene between Belle and the Beast when he was about to die, the true love made him turn into a man again. And he's soooo adorable and hot as fuck. The movie itself I scored 8,5/10 plus because they got a right man to be played as Prince Adam, I'll give it 9/10.
Tbh, from all of Disney's Princesses, Belle is my favorite one. She's down to earth as she loved sharing her knowledges to young girls in her village because in that time, school was only for boys. Girls did their home works, such as cooking, washing, and everything but studying was forbidden to them. Belle might be the first and only one girl in her village that really love reading. That's why she had the spirit of freedom and adventurous, because she knew that this world is too big to be wasted on by staying in a tiny village with people who had conservative views of girls that read too much.
I really love reading books. You know, even that book was a fiction, but it could let me in to another dimension where I was the main character and had all the story lines.
Another thing I love from Belle is her beauty. I adore her so much because she didn't need a make-up covering her face to attract a man, but she used her abilities. Gaston might in love with her by her beauty, because he was crazy for the good-looking appearance. But, the Beast wasn't. He was falling in love with Belle because her warm heart. Belle's heart was the warmest heart I could see, she cared people a lot and loved her father. She was brave enough to protect someone she loved. And I do appreciate her kindnesses. Somehow, she's my role model and inspiration to face my own shitty love life.
She loved the Beast not by his looking. As the lyrics she sang about the Beast one moment, "True that he's no Prince Charming. But there's something in him that I simply didn't see"
Woah, it must be hard for y'all girls, including me, to love someone's uglier than you while Belle could love a monster that she was freaking out to see before. But she found out that the monster itself had a big pure heart and she fell in love with him because his heart until she figured out the real appearance of that Beast was the most sexiest man I've ever seen, Prince Adam.
I do really want to be her that can accept people in her life by their hearts not based on their appearances. I said to myself that one day I'll love a man from my deepest heart and his appearance will be just an extra. The main reason I love him because he's someone I'm afraid to lose. You heard that you don't have any reasons to love someone? I do have one. I'll love him because he'll love me. And an ocular proof that he really loves me isn't just a simple sentence "I Love You" that comes out from his mouth, but his real affection for me of how he treats me and shows that he really cares no matter what.
It will take a long time for me to love someone's new after a damn pain I got by someone in the past. I still missed him, but yeah, there are no reasons to love him anymore.
The thing for sure: Someone will love me and hold me so dear because he's afraid to lose me, and me either. It only need a time to heal the broken-hearted I got.
But the thing is still unsure is that does this man really exist for me? Could I love someone without having much pains just like the old days? Could I love someone not based on his appearance? Could I?
Let's see it someday.
Tell me how not to love this movie, because this movie is really driving me crazy. I'm in love with Prince Adam, he was the Beast but after the kissing scene between Belle and the Beast when he was about to die, the true love made him turn into a man again. And he's soooo adorable and hot as fuck. The movie itself I scored 8,5/10 plus because they got a right man to be played as Prince Adam, I'll give it 9/10.
Tbh, from all of Disney's Princesses, Belle is my favorite one. She's down to earth as she loved sharing her knowledges to young girls in her village because in that time, school was only for boys. Girls did their home works, such as cooking, washing, and everything but studying was forbidden to them. Belle might be the first and only one girl in her village that really love reading. That's why she had the spirit of freedom and adventurous, because she knew that this world is too big to be wasted on by staying in a tiny village with people who had conservative views of girls that read too much.
I really love reading books. You know, even that book was a fiction, but it could let me in to another dimension where I was the main character and had all the story lines.
Another thing I love from Belle is her beauty. I adore her so much because she didn't need a make-up covering her face to attract a man, but she used her abilities. Gaston might in love with her by her beauty, because he was crazy for the good-looking appearance. But, the Beast wasn't. He was falling in love with Belle because her warm heart. Belle's heart was the warmest heart I could see, she cared people a lot and loved her father. She was brave enough to protect someone she loved. And I do appreciate her kindnesses. Somehow, she's my role model and inspiration to face my own shitty love life.
She loved the Beast not by his looking. As the lyrics she sang about the Beast one moment, "True that he's no Prince Charming. But there's something in him that I simply didn't see"
Woah, it must be hard for y'all girls, including me, to love someone's uglier than you while Belle could love a monster that she was freaking out to see before. But she found out that the monster itself had a big pure heart and she fell in love with him because his heart until she figured out the real appearance of that Beast was the most sexiest man I've ever seen, Prince Adam.
I do really want to be her that can accept people in her life by their hearts not based on their appearances. I said to myself that one day I'll love a man from my deepest heart and his appearance will be just an extra. The main reason I love him because he's someone I'm afraid to lose. You heard that you don't have any reasons to love someone? I do have one. I'll love him because he'll love me. And an ocular proof that he really loves me isn't just a simple sentence "I Love You" that comes out from his mouth, but his real affection for me of how he treats me and shows that he really cares no matter what.
It will take a long time for me to love someone's new after a damn pain I got by someone in the past. I still missed him, but yeah, there are no reasons to love him anymore.
The thing for sure: Someone will love me and hold me so dear because he's afraid to lose me, and me either. It only need a time to heal the broken-hearted I got.
But the thing is still unsure is that does this man really exist for me? Could I love someone without having much pains just like the old days? Could I love someone not based on his appearance? Could I?
Let's see it someday.
Crush
11pm thoughts!
Harusnya gue belajar eko malem ini, harusnya. Tapi, berhubung gue lagi tidak ada mood dan mata lelah, ya sejenak gue bermain-main ke blog gue ini lagi. Blog yang gaakan pernah usang dan selalu ada keluh kesah gue di sini. Hari ini gue baper. Sebaper-bapernya orang baper, tapi karena emang gue lagi pms day one, maka kebaperan ini jauh lebih membara (eaa). Baper yang gue maksud di sini campur aduk sih; seneng, sedih, bahagia, marah, kecewa. Pokoknya emang ga bisa terjelaskan spesifiknya gue ini lagi ngerasa bagaimana.
Yang jelas, hari ini gue bahagia karena gue bersyukur atas perhatiannya kepada gue. I mean HAHHA bukan norak, tapi ya kalo baca blog-blog cewek lain paling kebanyakan isinya beginian. Entah kenapa emang cuma dia doang yang gue ngerasa nyaman aja buat bisa ngobrol dan bercanda bareng dia. Gatau sih dia bawanya gimana yang jelas gue berhasil dibikin baper sama dia HEHE. dan ya dia mood-booster gue hari ini ketika gue lagi menghadapi beribu masalah, he's always stand next to me. Dia sesabar itu sih pas gue nangis-nangis ngomongin jurusan ptn HAHA, dia yang masih bilang nilai try outnya jelek padahal gue liat lebih tinggi daripada gue ya sialan :( yah gapapa sih orang pinter mah sabeb wkwk. gue? HAHA jangan tanya gimana nilai try out gue, bersyukur aja bisa naek se 0,1% pun itu gue syukurin aja. Beda banget sama dia yang rajinnya kebangetan. Demen banget ngapel ke tempat les, padahal disono juga paling biar bisa main aja sama temen-temennya. Eh gatau sih gue tapi ya biasanya cowok gitu HAHA. tapi gitu-gitu dia lebih pinter dari gue padahal gue maunya gue yang keliatan pinter di matanya:( gak ah canda. Dia bilang gue pinter kok..........
.......kalo serajin dia. HAHAHA
Dia sulit banget dideskripsiin karena dia unik. Cara dia bicara dan bales chat itu beda banget. Oh, ya gue itu tipe orang yang suka ngasih first impression gue ke orang lain lewat cara mereka ngomong ke gue. Dan cowok ini beda banget, dia rendah hati. Gila gapernah sedikit pun dia menyombongkan dirinya padahal emang kalo dia mau sombong ya pantes aja gitu buat disombongin tapi dia engga!! Dia justru selalu memotivasi gue supaya gue bisa kayak dia, dia bakalan jadi orang pertama yang gue kasih tau kalo gue masuk UI setelah keluarga gue HAHA karena dia selalu nolongin gue kalo gue lagi butuh bantuannya dia. Kebetulan gue orangnya suka banget minta tolong ke orang lain, dan orang-orang yang bantuin gue selalu gue doain supaya hidupnya bahagia HAHA. Ohya, selama gue kenal dia, dia blm pernah sedetik pun ngomong kasar kayak yang sebelumnya hm. Hm, perlu lo inget ya kalo gue paling ga suka cowok yang kerjaannya ngatain orang mulu atau ngomong kasar ke cewek, bikin ill feel. Rasanya pengen gue bejek-bejek muka orang kayak gitu, apalagi yang berasa kecakepan terus abis itu sok-sok goda cewek sana sini. Anj kesel banget gue sama cowok gitu. Untungnya dia tidak seperti itu. Gue belum kenal dia sejauh itu, tapi gue tau dia emang orang baik banget dan gue tau gue bisa ketawa itu karena dia pas gue lagi susah banget ngadepin guru-guru ortu sama temen yang recet.
Gue gapeduli gitu sih dia gimana ke guenya, tapi gue bersyukur banget bisa kenal cowok se-gentle dia. Yang gaperlu ngomong manis sana-sini tapi perhatian yang dia kasih ke gue itu lebih dari cukup HAHA💜
Untuk cowok berbaju merah yang gue liat dari kemarin-kemarin dan hari ini gue gatau dia pake baju apa,
Makasih banget udah mau mengakhiri masa cinta gue di SMA dengan teramat indah. Terima kasih sudah mau menjadi 'teman' yang sangat baik buat gue. Gue harap kita berdua bisa satu universitas ya di UI. Lu dengan jakun bermakara (warnanya sensor aja ya) dan gue bermakara (sensor juga soalnya gue masih harus berjuang keras mendapatkannya)
Sukses bareng💜💜
Harusnya gue belajar eko malem ini, harusnya. Tapi, berhubung gue lagi tidak ada mood dan mata lelah, ya sejenak gue bermain-main ke blog gue ini lagi. Blog yang gaakan pernah usang dan selalu ada keluh kesah gue di sini. Hari ini gue baper. Sebaper-bapernya orang baper, tapi karena emang gue lagi pms day one, maka kebaperan ini jauh lebih membara (eaa). Baper yang gue maksud di sini campur aduk sih; seneng, sedih, bahagia, marah, kecewa. Pokoknya emang ga bisa terjelaskan spesifiknya gue ini lagi ngerasa bagaimana.
Yang jelas, hari ini gue bahagia karena gue bersyukur atas perhatiannya kepada gue. I mean HAHHA bukan norak, tapi ya kalo baca blog-blog cewek lain paling kebanyakan isinya beginian. Entah kenapa emang cuma dia doang yang gue ngerasa nyaman aja buat bisa ngobrol dan bercanda bareng dia. Gatau sih dia bawanya gimana yang jelas gue berhasil dibikin baper sama dia HEHE. dan ya dia mood-booster gue hari ini ketika gue lagi menghadapi beribu masalah, he's always stand next to me. Dia sesabar itu sih pas gue nangis-nangis ngomongin jurusan ptn HAHA, dia yang masih bilang nilai try outnya jelek padahal gue liat lebih tinggi daripada gue ya sialan :( yah gapapa sih orang pinter mah sabeb wkwk. gue? HAHA jangan tanya gimana nilai try out gue, bersyukur aja bisa naek se 0,1% pun itu gue syukurin aja. Beda banget sama dia yang rajinnya kebangetan. Demen banget ngapel ke tempat les, padahal disono juga paling biar bisa main aja sama temen-temennya. Eh gatau sih gue tapi ya biasanya cowok gitu HAHA. tapi gitu-gitu dia lebih pinter dari gue padahal gue maunya gue yang keliatan pinter di matanya:( gak ah canda. Dia bilang gue pinter kok..........
.......kalo serajin dia. HAHAHA
Dia sulit banget dideskripsiin karena dia unik. Cara dia bicara dan bales chat itu beda banget. Oh, ya gue itu tipe orang yang suka ngasih first impression gue ke orang lain lewat cara mereka ngomong ke gue. Dan cowok ini beda banget, dia rendah hati. Gila gapernah sedikit pun dia menyombongkan dirinya padahal emang kalo dia mau sombong ya pantes aja gitu buat disombongin tapi dia engga!! Dia justru selalu memotivasi gue supaya gue bisa kayak dia, dia bakalan jadi orang pertama yang gue kasih tau kalo gue masuk UI setelah keluarga gue HAHA karena dia selalu nolongin gue kalo gue lagi butuh bantuannya dia. Kebetulan gue orangnya suka banget minta tolong ke orang lain, dan orang-orang yang bantuin gue selalu gue doain supaya hidupnya bahagia HAHA. Ohya, selama gue kenal dia, dia blm pernah sedetik pun ngomong kasar kayak yang sebelumnya hm. Hm, perlu lo inget ya kalo gue paling ga suka cowok yang kerjaannya ngatain orang mulu atau ngomong kasar ke cewek, bikin ill feel. Rasanya pengen gue bejek-bejek muka orang kayak gitu, apalagi yang berasa kecakepan terus abis itu sok-sok goda cewek sana sini. Anj kesel banget gue sama cowok gitu. Untungnya dia tidak seperti itu. Gue belum kenal dia sejauh itu, tapi gue tau dia emang orang baik banget dan gue tau gue bisa ketawa itu karena dia pas gue lagi susah banget ngadepin guru-guru ortu sama temen yang recet.
Gue gapeduli gitu sih dia gimana ke guenya, tapi gue bersyukur banget bisa kenal cowok se-gentle dia. Yang gaperlu ngomong manis sana-sini tapi perhatian yang dia kasih ke gue itu lebih dari cukup HAHA💜
Untuk cowok berbaju merah yang gue liat dari kemarin-kemarin dan hari ini gue gatau dia pake baju apa,
Makasih banget udah mau mengakhiri masa cinta gue di SMA dengan teramat indah. Terima kasih sudah mau menjadi 'teman' yang sangat baik buat gue. Gue harap kita berdua bisa satu universitas ya di UI. Lu dengan jakun bermakara (warnanya sensor aja ya) dan gue bermakara (sensor juga soalnya gue masih harus berjuang keras mendapatkannya)
Sukses bareng💜💜
Negative Vibes
Negative Vibes
She neither belong here nor there. She don't belong anywhere. Unluckily, she was all alone to face two-faced people. It was because she didn't know that her world was delusional, people around her were fakes, and she had no one.
She was the drama queen. Anyone looked at her because of her lies. Every time she started new drama and anyone started to pity her. She became mad of her flawless—thinking that everyone really cares to her—no, they actually were trying to kill her slowly, playing on her with tricks; pretending became damn loyal friends but gave her a shit. Being friendly in front of her but stab her behind soon.
She should've just realized that the man she loved is just a shadow. He was more delusional than her world. She actually fucked up by nothing. No men stayed a long in her heart because she never really love anyone, she doesn't even love herself. She just missed a skin-touch by a man. She just missed a kiss, someone's lips touched hers, that's all things she really wants. She's crazy about her being in love with someone else.
Then, the shadow had just gone and she cried over it. She hated the shadow and she got a fire. She heard people were talking shit about her, even her friends she trust did.
Soon, she said, "The war begins."
And it really was.
She did a revenge, so anyone felt the same pain like her. She thought she could gain a lot of people's attention because she always thirsty of it.
She finally figured it out that her friends were herself that turned into someone else every time she had no confidence to push herself up. She became anyone she don't really want to be. Her copies slowly kill herself, their souls wanted to turn her soul down and replace it. Then, she's gonna turn to be another one.
Her mama said she couldn't belong anywhere unless she could defeat the people under her level, but she misunderstood. Her mama taught her to kill anyone with her kindness, but she ignored it. Quickly, she pulled the trigger and shot her friends' hearts, then she said,
"Take them as my gift to you because your kindness guys. You've got hearts yet you didn't use it well, let me shut them down for you. Good bye anyone, see you at hell."
She's still the same innocent and naive girl I used to see.
She neither belong here nor there. She don't belong anywhere. Unluckily, she was all alone to face two-faced people. It was because she didn't know that her world was delusional, people around her were fakes, and she had no one.
She was the drama queen. Anyone looked at her because of her lies. Every time she started new drama and anyone started to pity her. She became mad of her flawless—thinking that everyone really cares to her—no, they actually were trying to kill her slowly, playing on her with tricks; pretending became damn loyal friends but gave her a shit. Being friendly in front of her but stab her behind soon.
She should've just realized that the man she loved is just a shadow. He was more delusional than her world. She actually fucked up by nothing. No men stayed a long in her heart because she never really love anyone, she doesn't even love herself. She just missed a skin-touch by a man. She just missed a kiss, someone's lips touched hers, that's all things she really wants. She's crazy about her being in love with someone else.
Then, the shadow had just gone and she cried over it. She hated the shadow and she got a fire. She heard people were talking shit about her, even her friends she trust did.
Soon, she said, "The war begins."
And it really was.
She did a revenge, so anyone felt the same pain like her. She thought she could gain a lot of people's attention because she always thirsty of it.
She finally figured it out that her friends were herself that turned into someone else every time she had no confidence to push herself up. She became anyone she don't really want to be. Her copies slowly kill herself, their souls wanted to turn her soul down and replace it. Then, she's gonna turn to be another one.
Her mama said she couldn't belong anywhere unless she could defeat the people under her level, but she misunderstood. Her mama taught her to kill anyone with her kindness, but she ignored it. Quickly, she pulled the trigger and shot her friends' hearts, then she said,
"Take them as my gift to you because your kindness guys. You've got hearts yet you didn't use it well, let me shut them down for you. Good bye anyone, see you at hell."
She's still the same innocent and naive girl I used to see.
#1 Taurus
Hi Taurus,
You don't have to read below if you think it's enough for you.
Taurus, we've been so busy lately, since big exams are coming soon. And I haven't ready yet. Too many things I should prepare yet I haven't done well enough. And I'm gonna pause some of activities distracting myself from studying, one of them is stop falling in love with you. With these feelings for you, I couldn't even stop my mind to think about you. I wish all my feeling was gone.
Taurus, you're so hard to be kept in my heart. I didn't see it coming. The day we called each others as ours? I didn't see it through your eyes. You're something I couldn't reach, but someone could. I'm not good enough for you, but someone is. Someone will love you, and the other one will leave you. Someone will fight for you, and the other one will give up. And someone will hold you so dear, and the other one will let you go. That's a life, right?
Well, Taurus. I lied.
I was pretending that everything was okay but it wasn't. I was hiding my feelings to you, before it grows up and becomes unstoppable. I don't wanna let myself having feelings for you anymore. That's why I never looked into your eyes every time we saw each other, cause I couldn't. Your glares and smirks I actually liked them all.
I couldn't help but falling in love with you.
You've just distracted my mind cause you're the one crossing this mind no matter how many times I pretend that everything was okay. I couldn't breath when our distance was only five centimeters away.
You do not know how much I really want to spend all nights along with you, sit behind you on your motorcycle, and feel the air when it touches my skin. That night was actually so cold yet felt so warm when I was with you.
I do really want you tell me that it wasn't only me, but you too. It was only my imagination so far. So why don't you go your way and I'll go mine? Live your life and I'll live mine? Taurus, you'll do well and I'll be fine. Cause we're better separated.
And lastly Taurus,
Thank you for being a good partner for me. I'm so sorry for being a little bit harsh to you even I knew you shouldn't deserve it. You did well and I couldn't stop thanking you. But the most important thing is that I'm thanking you for giving me a chance to love you even I should stop before you walk away from my life.
You don't have to read below if you think it's enough for you.
Taurus, we've been so busy lately, since big exams are coming soon. And I haven't ready yet. Too many things I should prepare yet I haven't done well enough. And I'm gonna pause some of activities distracting myself from studying, one of them is stop falling in love with you. With these feelings for you, I couldn't even stop my mind to think about you. I wish all my feeling was gone.
Taurus, you're so hard to be kept in my heart. I didn't see it coming. The day we called each others as ours? I didn't see it through your eyes. You're something I couldn't reach, but someone could. I'm not good enough for you, but someone is. Someone will love you, and the other one will leave you. Someone will fight for you, and the other one will give up. And someone will hold you so dear, and the other one will let you go. That's a life, right?
Well, Taurus. I lied.
I was pretending that everything was okay but it wasn't. I was hiding my feelings to you, before it grows up and becomes unstoppable. I don't wanna let myself having feelings for you anymore. That's why I never looked into your eyes every time we saw each other, cause I couldn't. Your glares and smirks I actually liked them all.
I couldn't help but falling in love with you.
You've just distracted my mind cause you're the one crossing this mind no matter how many times I pretend that everything was okay. I couldn't breath when our distance was only five centimeters away.
You do not know how much I really want to spend all nights along with you, sit behind you on your motorcycle, and feel the air when it touches my skin. That night was actually so cold yet felt so warm when I was with you.
I do really want you tell me that it wasn't only me, but you too. It was only my imagination so far. So why don't you go your way and I'll go mine? Live your life and I'll live mine? Taurus, you'll do well and I'll be fine. Cause we're better separated.
And lastly Taurus,
Thank you for being a good partner for me. I'm so sorry for being a little bit harsh to you even I knew you shouldn't deserve it. You did well and I couldn't stop thanking you. But the most important thing is that I'm thanking you for giving me a chance to love you even I should stop before you walk away from my life.
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eugenia naomi. Diberdayakan oleh Blogger.